The Internet rage has hit the mainstream. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know what it is. The following customer comments are attributed to students at a university campus computer store in the US....
Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
Customer: "I would like an Internet please."
Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."
Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"
Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"
Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"
Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"
Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"
Customer: "I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"
Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access?"
Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"
Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!"
Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Software development cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
IT Profile of Indian GODS
Brahma : Systems Installation
Vishnu : Systems Support
Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant (SAP)
Shiva : DBA (crash specialist)
Ganesh : Documentation specialist
Narada : Data Transfer
Brihaspathi : Chief Information Officer
Yama : ReOrganisation Consultant
ChitraGupta : Personnel Records
Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses
Devas : Y2k Programmers
Surya : Solaris adminstrator
Rakshasas : In house Hackers
Ram : Hardware Support - single user specialist
Lakshman : Support software and Backup
Ravan : Internet Explorer - WWW
Hanuman : RS6000
Vali : Windows 98
Sugreeva : Win 95
Angadh : Win 3.1
Jambhuvan : DOS
Vishwamitra : Sr.Manager Projects
Hastinapur : Silicon Valley
Arjun : Lead Programmer (all Companies are Vying for him)
Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer
Draupadi : Web server - free access (Shareware)
Bhima : MAIN FRAME
Duryodhan : Microsoft product written in VB
Shakuni : Bill Gates
Karna : Contract Programmer
Shikandi : Steve Jobbs 100
Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and Patches.
Vishnu : Systems Support
Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant (SAP)
Shiva : DBA (crash specialist)
Ganesh : Documentation specialist
Narada : Data Transfer
Brihaspathi : Chief Information Officer
Yama : ReOrganisation Consultant
ChitraGupta : Personnel Records
Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses
Devas : Y2k Programmers
Surya : Solaris adminstrator
Rakshasas : In house Hackers
Ram : Hardware Support - single user specialist
Lakshman : Support software and Backup
Ravan : Internet Explorer - WWW
Hanuman : RS6000
Vali : Windows 98
Sugreeva : Win 95
Angadh : Win 3.1
Jambhuvan : DOS
Vishwamitra : Sr.Manager Projects
Hastinapur : Silicon Valley
Arjun : Lead Programmer (all Companies are Vying for him)
Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer
Draupadi : Web server - free access (Shareware)
Bhima : MAIN FRAME
Duryodhan : Microsoft product written in VB
Shakuni : Bill Gates
Karna : Contract Programmer
Shikandi : Steve Jobbs 100
Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and Patches.
Kinds of women, according to the computer terminology
INTERNET woman: Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman: She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman: She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Explaning why my program doesn't work...
· I've never heard about that.
· It did work yesterday.
· Well, the program needs some fixing.
· How is this possible?
· The machine seems to be broken.
· Has the operating system been updated?
· The user has made an error again.
· There is something wrong in your test data.
· I have not touched that module!
· Yes, yes, it will be ready in time.
· You must have the wrong executable.
· Oh, it's just a feature.
· I'm almost ready.
· Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
· It will be done in no time at all.
· It's just some unlucky coincidence.
· I can't test everything!
· THIS can't do THAT.
· Didn't I fix it already?
· It's already there, but it has not been tested.
· It works, but it's not been tested.
· Somebody must have changed my code.
· There must be a virus in the application software.
· Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
· It did work yesterday.
· Well, the program needs some fixing.
· How is this possible?
· The machine seems to be broken.
· Has the operating system been updated?
· The user has made an error again.
· There is something wrong in your test data.
· I have not touched that module!
· Yes, yes, it will be ready in time.
· You must have the wrong executable.
· Oh, it's just a feature.
· I'm almost ready.
· Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
· It will be done in no time at all.
· It's just some unlucky coincidence.
· I can't test everything!
· THIS can't do THAT.
· Didn't I fix it already?
· It's already there, but it has not been tested.
· It works, but it's not been tested.
· Somebody must have changed my code.
· There must be a virus in the application software.
· Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Programmer cries for help...
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines were there at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)