1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Showing posts with label Software Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Software Jokes. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
More Innovative Programs for the New Millennium?
Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.
It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Newly Discovered Computer Viruses
Viagra Virus. Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
A perfect Software Engineer
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, it might work..."
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, it might work..."
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