A weary-worn homeless man was seen carrying a cardboard sign on Wilshire Boulevard,
a major thoroughfare in Los Angeles: "Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless. "Which he flips over to reveal: "Or, visit my website at: http://www.hobo.com
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
You know your really hooked on the Internet when ...
· Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
· Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.
· You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
· Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
· Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
· Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
· You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
· Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
· Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
· You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
· You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
· You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
· You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
· You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
· Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.
· You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
· Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
· Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
· Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
· You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
· Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
· Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
· You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
· You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
· You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
· You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
· You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs ... These are real sites ...
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
· A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? www.whorepresents.com
· Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
· Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
· Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
· Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com
· And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
· If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
· Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
· Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com
· Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
· A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? www.whorepresents.com
· Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
· Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
· Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
· Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com
· And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
· If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
· Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
· Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com
· Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Quotes
· Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.
· "All computers wait at the same speed."
· "A computer's attention span is only as long as its power cord."
· "A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"
· "Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
· "Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
· "Anyone can build a fast CPU. The trick is to build a fast system."
· "When he was told that Apple Computer had just bought a Cray to help design the next Apple Macintosh, Seymour Cray commented that he had just bought a Macintosh to design the next Cray."
· "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
· "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."
· "All computers wait at the same speed."
· "A computer's attention span is only as long as its power cord."
· "A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"
· "Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
· "Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
· "Anyone can build a fast CPU. The trick is to build a fast system."
· "When he was told that Apple Computer had just bought a Cray to help design the next Apple Macintosh, Seymour Cray commented that he had just bought a Macintosh to design the next Cray."
· "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
· "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."
Floppy disk care
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
· Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
· Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
· Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
· Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
· Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
· Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
· If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
· Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
· Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
· Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
· Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
· Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
· Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
· Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
· Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
· Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
· Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
· If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
· Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
· Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
· Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
· Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Seen on a web page
"Need a Dial up for DOS. And also a INTERNET EXPLORER for DOS. Needs to run on a 286 with 4 mb ram."
More Innovative Programs for the New Millennium?
Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.
It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Newly Discovered Computer Viruses
Viagra Virus. Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
A perfect Software Engineer
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, it might work..."
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, it might work..."
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