Misunderstandings about the Internet

The Internet rage has hit the mainstream. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know what it is. The following customer comments are attributed to students at a university campus computer store in the US....

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
Customer: "I would like an Internet please."
Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."
Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"
Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"
Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"
Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"
Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"
Customer: "I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"
Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access?"
Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"
Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!"
Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.

MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.

FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.

VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!

UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

IT Profile of Indian GODS

Brahma : Systems Installation
Vishnu : Systems Support
Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant (SAP)
Shiva : DBA (crash specialist)
Ganesh : Documentation specialist
Narada : Data Transfer
Brihaspathi : Chief Information Officer
Yama : ReOrganisation Consultant
ChitraGupta : Personnel Records
Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses
Devas : Y2k Programmers
Surya : Solaris adminstrator
Rakshasas : In house Hackers
Ram : Hardware Support - single user specialist
Lakshman : Support software and Backup
Ravan : Internet Explorer - WWW
Hanuman : RS6000
Vali : Windows 98
Sugreeva : Win 95
Angadh : Win 3.1
Jambhuvan : DOS
Vishwamitra : Sr.Manager Projects
Hastinapur : Silicon Valley
Arjun : Lead Programmer (all Companies are Vying for him)
Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer
Draupadi : Web server - free access (Shareware)
Bhima : MAIN FRAME
Duryodhan : Microsoft product written in VB
Shakuni : Bill Gates
Karna : Contract Programmer
Shikandi : Steve Jobbs 100
Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and Patches.

Kinds of women, according to the computer terminology

INTERNET woman: Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman: She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Explaning why my program doesn't work...

· I've never heard about that.
· It did work yesterday.
· Well, the program needs some fixing.
· How is this possible?
· The machine seems to be broken.
· Has the operating system been updated?
· The user has made an error again.
· There is something wrong in your test data.
· I have not touched that module!
· Yes, yes, it will be ready in time.
· You must have the wrong executable.
· Oh, it's just a feature.
· I'm almost ready.
· Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
· It will be done in no time at all.
· It's just some unlucky coincidence.
· I can't test everything!
· THIS can't do THAT.
· Didn't I fix it already?
· It's already there, but it has not been tested.
· It works, but it's not been tested.
· Somebody must have changed my code.
· There must be a virus in the application software.
· Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

Programmer cries for help...

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines were there at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Computer games and Windows 98

This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."

"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

Women in the IT industry and her chances of finding potential mates

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

TV better then WWW?

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Computer Short Questions

Question: Definition of an upgrade?
Answer: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Question: What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Answer: Chips.

Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Question: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Answer: Because it is below C level.

Question: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
Answer: A virus does something.

Question: Why is sex like software?
Answer: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

If You Think You're Dumb...

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Computers are Like Men...

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
5) They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Computers are Like Women...

1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5) You do the same thing for years and suddenly it's wrong.

When three IT guys drive across a desert

A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the desert when they get a flat tire. The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car." The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see if we can isolate the problem." The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the problem reoccurs."

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. You will never have an extra blank zip disk.
2. If you do bring along a blank zip or jaz disk, you won't need it.
3. If you don't bring along a blank zip disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.
4. If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up. (That is a technical term)
5. The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.
6. No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.
7. You will amaze yourself at how much you know.
8. You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.
9. You will always have one zip disk case too few. (Or worse - one too many.)
10. The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.
11. The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.
12. You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.
13. You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. (For no discernible reason.)
14. When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume, your printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn't care. Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do - which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of coffee.
15. You will never know what a user file is.
16. The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Sunday's sale paper at 50% less.
17. It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.
18. The 800 number will be always be busy.

You Know You're an E-mail Junkie If –

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads: "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 4.0 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia, and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 28.8Kpbs modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem . . . And you succeed.
10. All your documents contain words end with .com like processor.com.
11. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
12. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
13. Your dog has its own home page.
14. You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem.
15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
19. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://500/mainst/house/brick.html."
20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Computer geek meets princess…

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess."

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."

The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is very cool!"

15 years Ago.............

· A program was..... a television show
· An application was.... for employment
· Windows were..... something you hated to clean
· A cursor.... used profanity
· A keyboard was.... a piano
· Memory was.... something you lost with age
· A CD was... a bank account (Certificate of Dep.)
· Compress was something you did to garbage
· A hard drive was a long trip on the road
· Log on was adding wood to a fire
· A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
· Cut you did with scissors
· Paste you did with glue
· A web was a spider's home
· And a virus was the flu!!!

Times Sure Have Changed!

What computer abbreviations really stand for

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" . . .

. . . where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

Bunny and Bob meets outside the chat room face-to-face

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.

After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.

One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."

Homeless man goes online

A weary-worn homeless man was seen carrying a cardboard sign on Wilshire Boulevard,
a major thoroughfare in Los Angeles: "Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless. "Which he flips over to reveal: "Or, visit my website at: http://www.hobo.com

You know your really hooked on the Internet when ...

· Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
· Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.
· You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
· Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
· Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
· Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
· You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
· Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
· Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
· You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
· You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
· You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
· You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
· You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs ... These are real sites ...

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

· A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? www.whorepresents.com
· Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
· Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
· Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
· Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com
· And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
· If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
· Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
· Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com
· Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Quotes

· Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

· "All computers wait at the same speed."

· "A computer's attention span is only as long as its power cord."

· "A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

· "Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

· "Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

· "Anyone can build a fast CPU. The trick is to build a fast system."

· "When he was told that Apple Computer had just bought a Cray to help design the next Apple Macintosh, Seymour Cray commented that he had just bought a Macintosh to design the next Cray."

· "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."

· "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."

Floppy disk care

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

· Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

· Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

· Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

· Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

· Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

· Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

· If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

· Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

· Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

· Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

· Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Seen on a web page

"Need a Dial up for DOS. And also a INTERNET EXPLORER for DOS. Needs to run on a 286 with 4 mb ram."

More Innovative Programs for the New Millennium?

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.

It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Newly Discovered Computer Viruses

Viagra Virus. Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.

A perfect Software Engineer

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!"

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!"

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, it might work..."